Proper Trigger Phrases

I’m the / Laman / -ite / Laman / -ite magic / ician that you / could be / me is what you / niggas be wish / -in’

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How To Watch Formula 1

Motor sport can be defined in one word.  Race.  It’s a race!  The goal is to cross the finish line first, before everybody else.

Memorize that booty

Have you ever seen a hot girl and wanted to memorize her booty so you could think about it later?  That’s how you have to feel about the race track.  You have to memorize every turn so you know where the cars are at any given moment.  Imagine if you didn’t know what shape the football field was or what shape the basketball court was.  In these sports, it’s easy to memorize that booty.  It’s just a big rectangle.  But in motor sport, it gets tricky trying to memorize every turn.  It amazes me how many people try to watch motor sport without memorizing that booty.

Watch the qualifying session primarily to memorize the race course.  Of course qualifying session gets exciting when you keep track of what times the drivers are setting.  But the main purpose of qualifying is to memorize that booty.

Watch the start of the race many times

Watch it in slow motion even.  The most exciting part of the race is the very beginning when it is very easy for cars to pass just on the speed of the car.  At first, just keep your eyes on the race leader.  Watch the car in pole position (the car that starts off at first place) and see if they stay in the lead or if they fall behind.  Once you made it to the first turn and have an idea of what the race leader did, rewind and start paying attention to the next few cars.  If this is hard just focus on one car at a time.  By the time you’ve watched the start of the race enough, they will show replays of the start from different angles.  Watch these over and over too.

You’ve completed this step when you can visualize every single car coming into the first turn and what place they’re in.  This, of course, means that you’ve made yourself familiar with all the cars and drivers.

Watch the passes

A pass in Formula 1 is equivalent to a touchdown in football.  Most people rewind on their DVRs to get a second look in slow motion.  Enjoy these!

If it gets boring, fast forward

If you don’t see the point of following the cars as they get closer and closer to the car in front of them then just fast forward and stop when you see a pass.

Additional tip

Imagine trying to watch a basketball game without ever knowing the score.  Make sure you look at the score in motor sport!  They will list the cars in the order of the place they’re in and they will show how many seconds a certain car is behind another car.  Pay attention to these times and places!  This is the score in motor sport.

My Favorite Drinks At Starbucks Continued

In no particular order.

  • tall iced black tea with 10 pumps of classic

I recommend this if you want a sugar rush to go along with your caffeine rush.

  • venti espresso frappuccino with 2 shots of espresso

This is the good stuff.  Nothing beats the ice-cold refreshment that you get out of a frappuccino.  I recommend 2 shots of espresso so you can really get that strong coffee taste.

  • tall iced coffee with 1 shot of peppermint and 5 shots of vanilla

Peppermint is strong so you only need one shot of it.  And this drink only tastes good for a few sips before it gets old so I recommend just a tall.  But if you get a bigger size, still only get just one shot of peppermint.

  • grande double-chocolatey-chip frappuccino

No caffeine.  I also recommend this for Mormons.

  • venti iced coffee with 4 pumps hazelnut and 4 pumps vanilla
  • venti iced coffee with 3 pumps cinnamon dolce and 5 pumps vanilla

These 2 are my absolute favorite iced coffee drinks.

My Favorite Drinks At Starbucks

In no particular order.

  • one shot of espresso in a tall cup with almond milk

This is the absolute cheapest drink you can buy.  At some Starbuck’s you can get it for less than a dollar!  And Starbuck’s now serves almond milk so enjoy.

  • venti iced green tea with 8 pumps of classic

Normally they only give you 6 pumps if you ask for classic but I like my tea sweeter than normal.  And the price is sweet too.  Less than 3 dollars.

  • venti iced caramel macchiato upside-down with whole milk

This is the good stuff.  By asking for the caramel on the bottom you make sure it’s easier to suck up with your straw.  And whole milk tastes better than the 2 percent they normally put in there.  But be careful: this drink will cost you more than 5 dollars.

  • tall medium-roast hot coffee with soy milk and 10 pumps of sugar-free vanilla

For some reason, the sugar-free vanilla tastes the same as normal vanilla in hot coffee so go crazy with it.

  • trenta iced passion tea with 7 pumps of raspberry

This is an herbal tea so there’s no caffeine.  I recommend this for Mormons.  They normally put 8 pumps of sweetener in a trenta but you honestly don’t need that much.

 

 

Church of Meth

I have had lengthy email conversations with the founder of the Church of Meth — the Prophet Daniel A. Martinez.  He has a blog at http://hispanicmormon.wordpress.com but you won’t find anything about his church there.  Just interesting that a good Mormon boy would start a church devoted to meth.  The church’s website is at http://sites.google.com/site/churchofmeth and he talks about how meth makes you psychic so it should be legalized for religious purposes.  Check him out!

The prophet is definitely a Christian.  He believes some of the same Christian doctrines that I learned telepathically.  For example, he agrees that you must pass gas before sex in order to scare away evil spirits.  This is something Jesus said to psychics.

I am jealous of him because he is a Mormon.  I can’t join the Mormon church because I’ve used meth before.  But he joined the Mormon church before he smoked meth.  He tells me I can still join but that doesn’t explain how all these Mormon spirits wish death on me every time I think of visiting a Mormon church.

The prophet believes that Jesus used meth.  God the Father gave him pure meth to eat everyday.  That is how he knew everyone’s thoughts in the Gospels.  I’m not sure I believe that.  But I would love to have prescription meth for religious purposes.  He is completely against illegal street meth and advises all tweakers to only use Desoxyn if legally possible and if not then don’t use meth.

He believes that in the future the priesthood of his church will be able to prescribe Desoxyn to religious believers just as well as a doctor or psychiatrist.  Let’s wish him the best of luck in his endeavors!

Proud to be schizophrenic…

I was diagnosed with schizophrenia in 2012.  I see a psychiatrist once every 3 months.  I get an injection of Halodol every month.  I take Zoloft orally everyday.  I go to an activities clinic called Recovery Innovations almost everyday.  They try to convince me that I am not my diagnosis.  I am a person, not a schizophrenic.

But I am proud to be schizophrenic.  I think my brain has evolved to allow for telepathic communication with spirits.  That is why I hear voices in my head and see people in my head.  This is something that makes me feel special.

I’m trying every day to not be delusional.  But the most delusional thought I can have is that the voices in my head aren’t real.  They are definitely real.  They are real beings.  They have their own personalities.  They say things I never would’ve thought of.  It’s not just my own brain working too hard.  They are separate beings.  Not me.

In reality, I am a magician.  I sense personages and their thought energy through magick.  My shortcut to acquiring magickal powers was smoking meth.  It’s not meth-induced schizophrenia per se.  But rather, it is opening my soul to the magickal realm.

But go ahead and call it schizophrenia.  I am proud to be a schizophrenic.

We live on a spider planet

Everyone born on the planet this blog is published in was a spider in a past life.  You see, Minerva, the spider goddess, rules over our planet as does Jehovah, the Christian god and Krishna, the Hindu god and Buddha, the Buddhist god.  She sends the souls of spiders into humans when they are conceived.

We are literally in hell.  As evidence of this, Jesus did not return promptly after his death and resurrection.  On planets where Minerva doesn’t rule, Jesus returns within the generation.  The longer it takes the Second Coming to happen, the more likely we live on a hell planet where the spider goddess undermines the souls of humans.

We are all eventually going to die forever.  Jehovah, the Christian god, only allows humans to live 5 lives.  Then you have to be a scratch or you have to die forever.  You will cease to exist.  If you want to be a scratch, you will be tortured your whole life.  A scratch is someone who gets cosmetic surgery which results in a scar on the face.  Minerva is okay with this.  Eventually, Minerva will die too and she will be replaced by another spider god or goddess.  Or she will become a scratch.

If you use meth in your current life, you will probably use meth in your other 4 lives.  But most scratches don’t get to use meth.

Our preexistence was the life of a spider.  Our decisions we made when we were spiders determine what type of life we will live as humans.

Jesus also had a preexistent life as a spider.  But, on this planet, Jesus actually dies.  The resurrected Jesus on this planet was just a visual hallucination.  You see, we’re on a hell planet where everyone eventually dies.  So Jesus had to actually die so we could live 4 more lives.

You should try to know what life you’re on.  If you’re on your first life, you have 4 more lives to live.  But if you’re on your 5th life, you’re either going to die or become a scratch.

Some people want to be reincarnated as spiders.  Minerva favors these people and lets them live as spiders.  Holy people on this planet will be reincarnated as an intelligent spider that lives on Kolob with Heavenly Father (Jehovah).  The thousands of religious people who are faithful, mostly Catholics and Mormons, will become one spider who lives with God.  God doesn’t mind spiders.  But they’re not his favorite animal.