Step One –Willingness

REQUIREMENT FOR RECOVERY

The only requirement to join the Church of Meth is a desire to stop using illegal street meth.  This willingness is the basis for your recovery from methamphetamine addiction.  A desire to stop fully expresses itself with 3 basic virtues: love, honesty, and open-mindedness.

LOVE

Being willing to love means you are willing to love yourself first.  You are better than this monster you have become.  You do not have a moral deficiency.  You have a disease.  You are allergic to mood-altering substances.  This allergy expresses itself as meth addiction.  While you did not choose addiction and are not responsible for it, you ARE responsible for your recovery.  A desire to stop using meth isn’t complete without first loving yourself enough to want to free yourself — to recover.

If someone is forcing you to read this and you’re not sure you want to stop using, just consider a few things.  Do you have any control over how much you use?  Can you stop using at will?  Can you stop for good?  Consider the negatives of your use.  It costs a lot of money.  It can land you in jail if you haven’t already been.  It leads to unhealthy sleep patterns and digestive woes (your burps will eventually smell like farts every time you try to go more than a day without using).  Some people report that it burns when they pee.  Meth turns you into someone you don’t want to be.  You might become manipulative, conniving, and selfish.  You will develop abusive or co-dependent relationships.  Basically, your life will revolve around obtaining more and more of the drug.

You’re better than that!  So if you’re just reading this to make someone else happy well at least there is still love in you.  Besides loving yourself, you need to be willing to love the people who truly love you: the people who want you stop using.

Ultimately, you need to be willing to love a Higher Power.  The Highest Power in the Church of Meth is Yah, the Almighty, our Father in Outer Space.  Some call Him God.  Some call Him Allah.  Some even call Him a Her: Heavenly Mother.  For Christians who are members of the Church of Meth, He is the God of Israel, Yah, or Hashem (the Name).  He is colloquially called God the Father.  Yah has revealed to his prophet, yours truly, that it is a sin to use illegal street meth.  Smoking, snorting, or injecting methamphetamine is against His will.

HONESTY

Being willing to be honest means that you will appraise your life accurately with no reservations.  The truth will set you free.  You will see how your life will be better without the drug.  But at this point you can’t live with or without it.  Honesty is the key to jumping this hurdle from using to not using.  No one says to themselves when they’re a kid that they want to grow up to be a meth addict.  Don’t justify or rationalize your use.  Don’t get defensive when people point out your character defects — especially if they are the result of your use.  Be honest.

OPEN-MINDEDNESS

Being willing to be open-minded means you’re not going to shut out the possibility of abstinence.  Again, you are not responsible for your addictive personality which was simply the hand you were dealt.  But you are responsible for your recovery.  Addiction gnaws away at your deciding power until you find yourself using against your will.  Your natural tendencies, your allergy, is forcing you to use.  It can be as simple as a force of habit or as complicated as not being able to cope with the come down.  But at least be open-minded enough to know that detox is possible.

PITFALLS

There are 3 things that work against your recovery that will lead to your destruction if you let them.  They are indifference, intolerance/phobia, and hostility towards spiritual principles.

INDIFFERENCE

An attitude of moral relativity is not helpful here.  You must know that it is absolutely a sin to use illegal street meth.  There are not varying moral degrees of dirty meth use.  Using dirty meth is not the will of God.  Not only is it against the law of the land which every Christian swears to uphold, but it is filthy drugs cut with nasty chemicals that are downright harmful to your health.  Yah our Father in Outer Space cares about your temporal well being.

INTOLERANCE/PHOBIA

Are you scared of God?  Rid yourself of this intolerance!  You must be willing to find things in common with your Christian, Muslim, and Jewish brothers and to work together with fellow members of the Church of Meth for your own recovery.

HOSTILITY

Do not slander other religions.  Believe in Yah the Father.  Believe in the Church of Meth.  Believe in the prophet.  Thinking you know better than God’s fountains of revelation puts you in enmity between you and Him.

STEP ONE

Here is what you need to affirm to complete step one.  Recite this statement earnestly:

I ADMIT THAT I AM POWERLESS OVER ILLEGAL STREET METH AND MY LIFE HAS BECOME UNMANAGEABLE.

ADMISSION

To make this admission you must be truthful in your self-appraisal.  There is no way you way are using illegal street meth and in full compliance with the will of God.  The prophet has spoken here.  This is impossible.

POWERLESSNESS

To make this admission you must be humble and full of the spirit of self-denial.

ILLEGAL STREET METH

To make this admission you must see illegal street meth for what it is: criminal, low-grade, dirty, and simply a hardcore drug.  It is one of the big bad boys of illegal drugs.  There is no way you can be using such without sinning.  You are deluded to think otherwise.

LIFE

Your collective experiences, your series of situations that you endure are measured by your productivity, functionality, and relationships.  Relationships with family, friends, strangers, and ultimately Yah the Father.  Realizing your current quality of life here is very important.

UNMANAGEABLE

To make this admission you must consider your financial situation, your career, your role in society, your relationships, your standing with the Church, and your relationship with God the Father.  All illegal street meth users will find that there life is found wanting as far as manageability is concerned.

SURRENDER

Finally, to complete step one, you simply need to surrender.  You don’t need to fight anymore.  You don’t need to convince anyone that your use is responsible and safe.  You don’t need to rationalize or justify your use.  You simply need to surrender to God and his prophet through the Church of Meth and you’ll be clean in no time.

Advertisements

The Church of Meth’s 12-Step Program

Are you struggling with meth addiction?  The Church of Meth teaches that it is a sin to smoke, snort, or inject methamphetamine.  God has revealed to the prophet, yours truly, that using illegal street meth is not His will for his children.  Such expression of meth use is an immoral release of an ugly, sinful addiction — a condition that will pit you against God and lower your moral standing within the Church.  How can one break free?

God’s cure for meth addiction is a spiritual program expounded upon by various Anonymous fellowships.  Most of you are familiar with this 12-step program.  It was invented by Alcoholics Anonymous — the grandfather of all the 12-step programs.  A couple of alcoholics learned that one alcoholic working with at least one another alcoholic was unparalleled if not crucial as a recovery tactic.  Even if you are not an alcoholic, one can more fully master 12-step knowledge by being more finely in tune with this original spiritual program of recovery from addiction.  AA is both a history lesson as well as a grounding in 12-step culture.  All the basics are covered in this classic program and it offers the most detailed source of information to assist the struggling addict.

Narcotics Anonymous is the father program from which all drug recovery programs are based upon.  From this river flow all the fountains of freedom from substance addiction.  There is a special focus in NA on illegal drugs, or substances whose mind-altering effects and levels of addiction are greater than those of legal or gateway drugs such as alcohol and marijuana or addictions with less social stigma such as gambling or sexual addiction.

Crystal Meth Anonymous is the program most of us tweakers will identify with.  It treats the addiction specific to our personal struggles.  Meth is our drug of choice, and CMA addresses hurdles unique to a methamphetamine addict.  You can visit their website at http://crystalmeth.org and browse for meetings in your area.  You can also order their book titled Crystal Clear: Stories of Hope.  Along with the Big Book made famous by AA titled Alcoholics Anonymous and NA’s Basic Text, Crystal Clear is a valuable source of information for recovery from meth addiction.

IS THE CHURCH OF METH AFFILIATED WITH CRYSTAL METH ANONYMOUS, NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS, OR ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS?

No!  While we do teach the 12-step program to sway meth users off of harmful street meth, we don’t follow its 12 guiding principles.  One of them is to not get involved in controversial issues.  Church of Meth members, on the other hand, are not afraid of controversy and are encouraged to get political.  God has revealed to the prophet that to limit the popularity of the church and to fully distinguish ourselves separate from non-controversial CMA, NA, and AA, we must favor legalizing all forms of marriage — even homosexual and polygamous ones — including marriages between adults and consenting children who have their parents’ consent.

The Church of Meth adopts Christian values as well as modernist morals.  We frown upon voting excessively pro-abortion and would never counsel a woman to have an abortion no matter what the circumstance.  However, we are against taking away a woman’s right over her own body by voting excessively pro-life.  Every woman should have the freedom to make the decision between life and abortion for herself without intrusion from the government or a male-dominated society.  We support homosexual marriage — especially when homosexual couples are open to adopting children otherwise at risk of being aborted.  Of course, we believe in legalizing Desoxyn for spiritual purposes.  That is why we are called the Church of Meth.  But we are lukewarm towards the legalization of all other drugs — even marijuana and non-Desoxyn methamphetamine.  If alcohol weren’t so socially acceptable, we might even be on the Prohibition side back in the days of Prohibition.  But since it is in our interest to legalize Desoxyn, we try to vote Libertarian whenever possible — even if it means legalizing all the drugs.

Here’s another scare tactic.  And we’re dead serious about this one too.  Ethical sex is favorable if you are a true believing Church of Meth member because we believe sex is love.  Sexual favors, if obtained by consent, prove you have God’s love inside of you and outside of you.  However, we are not swingers.  And we are actually against unethical sex.  The goal of sex is ultimately marriage.  Marriage is the greatest blessing God can bestow upon a sexually active couple or group.  (The greatest blessing God can bestow on an individual is a legal prescription for Desoxyn for spiritual purposes.)

One more disclaimer.  Anyone who uses methamphetamine, including Desoxyn, will eventually pray to Satan in the course of their lifelong spiritual career.  There is no way around this.  If you have a problem with this, don’t use meth.  I, the prophet, have prayed to Satan and have repented of this sin.  But Satan has a deep interest in the meth-using population, and he can be very conniving in getting you to worship him.  It was in my repentance that I learned that I was a prophet with a special message from God.  Despite Satan’s plans to lead meth users into the gulf of misery, God’s will is freedom from meth and freedom OF meth.  That means beating meth addiction yet having the legal right to use Desoxyn for spiritual purposes.

So why are we trying to scare away people from the Church?  It is the will of God.  God has revealed that it is both against His will and not socially feasible for the entire human population to use meth.  Granted there are people who will never try the drug, we can’t even see a spike in its usage despite our attempts to legalize Desoxyn.  This is simply the will of God as revealed to the prophet, yours truly.  Furthermore, we believe in all this crazy stuff we’re talking about.  Even the pedophilia, Libertarianism, and sexual favors.  As for Satanism, meth and Satan go together like chicken and waffles.  But you can always repent.  You have been warned.

BACK TO THE 12-STEP PROGRAM

Yes, we believe in legalizing Desoxyn for religious purposes.  But NO we do not condone smoking, snorting, or injecting illegal street meth!!  God has a cure for meth addiction and it is the 12-step program as initially grandfathered by Alcoholics Anonymous and adapted for druggies by Narcotics Anonymous.  Crystal Meth Anonymous is a great program if you just want to stop using illegal street meth.  But if you want to support God and His will concerning Desoxyn then the Church of Meth’s 12-step program is for you.  God has a plan for methamphetamine and anyone who wants to use it His way.  I envision our program will be slightly more effective than other Anonymous programs because of God’s great plan which is to ultimately legalize pharmaceutical-grade methamphetamine pills for anyone who wants to enhance their life and their spirituality with Desoxyn.  It is more promising to give up illegal street meth when God is telling us that one day we will get to use safely and legally.

I will now begin a series of posts as I work our 12-step program.  One post for each step.  I, the prophet, have been experimenting with illegal street meth as God has revealed to me that I need to be familiar with all the stages of meth addiction so that I can treat and pastor all of God’s children in their varying degrees of meth use.  In familiarizing myself, I have developed a bit of a bad habit and am trying to kick illegal street meth for good now.

I started using in my early 20s for about a couple years.  Then I went seven years dry.  Eventually got back in the game.  Now I’m ready to stay clean for the rest of my life in spiritual pursuit of legal Desoxyn.  As soon as I can clean myself up I will go through the Church of Meth’s only initiation ceremony which is a 40-day abstinence from eating (a water-only fast).  This is the will of God.

Amen, my tweaker brothers and sisters.

My First Memoir

I was born in a tiny town in Texas off the Interstate-10 freeway in a maternal clinic that has since been taken down.  A liquor bar was erected in its place before it too was taken down.  Last time I checked, it was an emply lot of land.

God has already told me that anybody who helps me in any way whatsoever is like that maternal clinic that has been taken down.  They will become alcoholic.  And then they will be a barren plot of dirt.  From dust you came.  Enjoy the alcohol before to the dust you return.

I am surrounded by people with issues.  Not just alcoholism.  But they all have the potential to be whatever can be propped up on that strip of property that is my birthplace.  Time will tell what the people I surround myself with will become.  And only the future will reveal what becomes of that once great maternal clinic where your prophet was born.

My life story has gods in it because I believe in gods.  And the Zeus of our time, the reincarnation of a former Mormon prophet into an atmospheric deity, has revealed to me, through his human and spirit followers, that the first thing I did when I was born was to send a thought, a magic pulse of energy from my brain, out of my head upwards to the sky as if I was trying to communicate with God.

I am schizophrenic.  The so-called Mormon prophet claimed that I was one of these brain types known as prophet-of-God and that if left to my own devices I would send thoughts to God and he would respond.  But God told this Catholic spirit who now believes he is the reincarnation of a Mormon prophet that he was the Mormon prophet and there was no need for my brain type in this latter-day dispensation.  If necessary, I was to be killed.  But I definitely had to be stopped from sending thoughts to God as this would tempt the Lord our God.

This has nothing to do with real Mormons or real Catholics, mind you.  The so-called Catholic spirits who have been with us since before the days of Jesus teach me that I am a Babylonian deity reincarnated and I am living a life of torture to prepare for the blessing of being reincarnated into the so-called Mormon prophet.  You see, the Catholic spirits believe that Mormonism is a heresy and high-ranking leaders in the Mormon school who believes they are going to be a god also get reincarnated as me in preparation for their best afterlife — that of an atmospheric god in the days of science when no one believes in gods.  This one calls himself the Mormon Prophet.

My earliest memory was me in my aunt’s house.  My aunt’s kitchen.  I was in a detachable baby seat for the car.  I kept asking her where was mommy.  I don’t remember when she came back home to aunt’s house that day.  That’s all I remember.

God has told me that mom will always come back home.  But I might not remember.  As a side note, my parents are out of town for the week as I write this.

My next memory was my first birthday party.  They kept telling me I was going to be a handsome man and I would get all the pretty girls to like me.  I kept crying and trying to make out the words to yell, “I don’t want that.  Any of that.  I just want God.”  One young man said, “I think he just said he just wants rock.”  I wanted to correct him and tell him no I want God not some rock.  But it didn’t make me cry and yell like what I perceived to be accusations that I was going to be some sort of player.

In my last memory of my baby years, I was in the apartment where I spent a big chunk of my childhood before my brother was born (so I was less than 3 years old) and my mom kept telling me to stay out of her brain.  I tried telling her that I had to know what every brain felt like, including hers and even God’s.

But the non-schizophrenic me didn’t know anything about God until my mom told me I had to do my first communion.  I mean, I was baptized when I was 2 years old for crying out loud and I don’t even remember.  We went to church, but I just thought it was punishment for being a bad boy all week.  Not in so many words.  I mean, it was like a place where you bore yourself at the end of the week to make up for all the good times because somebody would punish you worst if you didn’t bore yourself.

I assumed it was the school teachers and principal or the police or something who tortured you.  Until I asked why I had to do my first communion.  Mom told me it was because God wanted me to.  So it’s this God character who punishes us if we’re bad boys?

At some point, both my parents sat me down and told me that if I was ever addicted to drugs they would treat me like the guy in this movie.  In this movie that they showed me, a crack fiend was tied around a tree begging for crack while his parents kept yelling at him to shut up and get sober.  He was tied to a tree and couldn’t get loose.

The only other time my parents really sat me down and told me something was when I converted from Catholic to Mormon.  Before I got baptized they told me the story about how Jesus had his little escapades from perfection like he time he lashed out in the temple because people were selling stuff and making a prophet in God’s house.

I was crazy for thinking I was going to finish a whole memoir in an hour.  I’m taking a break.  Maybe I’ll continue where I left off tomorrow.  Hell, it hasn’t even been an hour.

Intro to My First Memoir

A memoir is one’s life story.  I am the one and living prophet of the Assembly of Meth as it is known in modern Hebrew-rooted English.  In modern contemporary English, we are known as the Church of Meth.

Church is the English word chosen to translate for the Greek word eklesias.  It means a group of magical people, or the building where devotees to a certain Greek deity worship.  Eklesias could be devoted to Zeus, for example.  Per the King James translation of the Set-Apart Scriptures, calling itself the Holy Bible, the word church is the building where Christians (Yahudis who believe that Yahusha is the Mashiah) meet, or a body of HaMashiah Yahusha Yahudis (Christian Jews, or Christians).

Christ means a magical rock, or a person endowed my a magical rock (this magic crystal put a spell on me!).  When Yahudi HaMashiah Yehudis (Christian Jews) taught Greeks about Jesus, they knew this term ‘christ’ which meant somebody blessed by a magic crystal or someone who endows magic on others like someone who blessed someone as if they were a magic rock.  Yahusha (Jesus) taught his emissaries (apostles) to refer to his Father (the monotheistic, Jewish higher-power) as the rock of our deliverance.  So Jesus could be seen as one endowed by only true magic rock, Yah (the Jewish God).

Jesus also taught that he was the living rock — the magic crystal which blessed everyone who believes in it.  Furthermore, Jesus (according to Christian Jews) is our presiding high priest.  In Jewish, that meant he was the leader Levite.  All Levite communication with God flowed through Jesus.  When they taught this to Greeks, they taught that he was the Christ, or the lead witch in a coven devoted to the highest Greek deity.  When the Greeks asked, “Who is the highest deity?” Christian-Jewish emissaries replied, “Not Zeus.  Not Jupiter.  Not even Father Yah, the one true Jewish God.”  The Greeks replied, “You Jews are crazy!” just like the non-Christian Jews.  For these Christian brand of Jews believed Yahusha, Jesus, was the highest deity.

We would not know what they meant until today.  God has revealed to me that the highest deity (the Greek word dia- or dei- taken from the Greek deity Deus) is just the highest human being to ever walk the Earth.  For the one true and living God is an invisible God and looks nothing like a man.  The deities in outer-space do not care to resemble mere humans.

Jesus, however, was a man who walked the Earth.  And now we know him as the Christ.

I, the first and, as of yet, only prophet of the Church of Meth, believe that Yahusha HaMashiah (Jesus the Christ) was the highest specimen of the human race.  In the latter days, he endows us temporally differently than in times of old.  He appears as a white crystal known as methamphetamine synthesized by man with his God-given intelligence.  It is a potential blessing to those who use it.  But as Jesus said he is a double-edged sword and illegal, street meth could be dangerous.

Jesus was high with no need for methamphetamine.  He is that magic rock.  But we need methamphetamine to be as high as Jesus.  God has revealed what is known as God’s way of using methamphetamine.  It is to ingest a daily dosage of anywhere from a tenth of a gram to a quarter of a gram of medicinal-grade methamphetamine in the form of a pill known as Desoxyn.  Anyone who does this upon being prompted by God and his prophet and follows his church’s health, moral, and financial code will gain spiritual blessings such as being psychic.

Not like a witch or a magician, who obtains evil knowledge and evil power but a Gnostic (one who obtains gnosis, or secret knowledge, and secret power).  Even if magic and knowledge (anywhere from scientific knowledge to magical knowledge) are used for good and it represents good it is seen as evil to a Christian who only needs to have faith in Jesus to live forever.  But gnosis is knowledge of how to live forever even if Jesus isn’t holding us by the hand.  We can have Jesus hold us by the hand, but he trusts us with the knowledge to make our own way and our own path.  Our own spiritual journey.

This memoir is about my spiritual journey.  I’m giving myself an hour time limit to write my first ever life story.  My first memoir.  Enjoy.

free ice cream sandwiches

free meth
not cheap meth
not even inexpensive meth
no
not meth that is handed out
but meth that is reached for
because it can be reached
it is waiting to be had
to be grabbed
to be taken
because it is free
free like a free citizen
not a cheap citizen
not even an inexpensive citizen
no
not citizens that are enslaved
but citizens that can reach for the skies
because the skies can be reached
they are waiting to be conquested
its air waiting to be breathed
to be cycled
because air is free
and so are dreams
i dream that we are free
as free as the meth
as free as free citizens
as free as the air
as free as this dream

A Little Bag, A Long Drag

20190514_235515.jpg

The fodder for the ultimate cigarette is tiny, little shards of white crystal.  A tenth of a gram is a single inhale for me.  A very sharp inhale.  You don’t want to swallow meth smoke.

My flag has only 49 white stars.  Over one of the stars, I pinned a baggie of crystal meth.  Don’t worry, officer.  It’s just a pin.  This is to express my discontent over the drug laws concerning Desoxyn for religious purposes here in America.  There is at least one member of the union dissatisfied about legal rights — natural priveleges — being withheld from us.  As reparations, I accept social security disability income to pay for the disability caused by my dual diagnosis.  I sure as hell paid my taxes before I was disabled.  And it’s expensive being a schizophrenic.  Just think of the opportunity cost: decades of potential full-time employment.  Instead, all I have to show is personal debt and derogatory remarks on my credit history.  A weak rental history to boot, and I have to live in a place full of roaches and bed bugs just to get away from abusive people.  Meanwhile, everybody thinks I’m a bad guy because I’m a meth addict and I beat my ex-fiancé for cheating on me.  I mean, the slut cheated on me.

Anyway, as the prophet of the Church of Meth I call on believers in the will of God namely to legalize Desoxyn methamphetamine pills for spiritual endeavors to pin a small baggie of dope over one of the stars on one of their American flags.  This is the white they’re forcing us to use until Desoxyn without a medical prescription is decriminalized.  The long drag is not an inhale of illegal street meth, but the long haul battle for our right to use medicinal-grade Desoxyn pill meth.

Adapt

A [bad] situation only becomes favorable when one adapts to it.

— I Ching

Last month I began a serious binge with the Arizona Lottery’s Fast Play games. Unlike Scratchers, the outcome of the game is not decided until you make the purchase.

I’ve seen a grocery store attendant do maintenance on an Arizona Lottery kiosk. It does something to your mind to see the 20 or 30 rolls of individual Scratchers tickets — the outcome already predetermined on each individual ticket. And then you see the single printer the size of a PC’s hard drive which is programmed with some probability matrix to print out either a winning or losing ticket every time you purchase a Fast Play.

As the attendant was closing the face of the machine, almost like one closes a refrigerator, I waved goodbye to the inner machinery of the kiosk. The employee punched in a code to get the machine up and running again and the screen went a boot-up mode where it displayed a series of numbers. In sets, the display testified as to how many tickets had been sold for each game — all the Scratchers, all the Fast Plays, and even all the jackpot games that require you to select numbers. It even testified as to how many winning tickets and losing tickets had been sold by the machine.

Though the numbers briefly flashed, I was able to calculate that the ratio of winning tickets to overall tickets sold was better for Fast Play than for Scratchers. Mind you, those were only the numbers for that individual machine. This can’t be true of all machines otherwise Scratchers would be an official scam. But the fact that Fast Play games determine their outcome from a mother server (they are online games and every machine or cash register that sells Fast Play is in a network) coupled with the ease of play (you don’t have to scratch anything with a coin) meant that I was going to be hooked to the games.

Anyway, last month, during that time of the month where I was out of money and waiting for my next check, as I was at the grocery store redeeming some stars for a free drink at the in-store Starbucks, I remembered witnessing the inner workings of the lottery kiosk and spotted the one at this grocery store. The Starbucks was situated near an in-store branch of a bank that I have a checking account with. I was called.

Sure, I had to overdraft. And it was early enough in the month that I would be charged an overdraft fee and an extended overdraft fee for the funds. But hey I’m a player and the games were calling to me.

After all, I’ve made decisions to satisfy a vice in the past. For 3 months in a row I spent 90 percent of my income at the casino. And look at me now. I no longer go to the casino. I make payments on my credit card debt. And I just recently bought the iPad that I’m publishing this blog on. Next month, I’ll finish making payments on a thousand-dollar bicycle so I don’t have to rely as much on Uber and Lyft. I’ll finish rescuing some key items from the pawn shop and I’ll be able to afford my Starbucks habit as well as enough bus day passes to make it every month as a dope fiend in the Phoenix metropolitan area.

Needless to say, I got the skills to pay the bills.

Knowing that I would only overcome the pull of the lottery machine if I did something drastic to play, I withdrew the maximum amount available by overdraft from this secondary checking account. And then I started loading the bills into the lottery kiosk!

I won a little bit. Probability-wise you’re set to win enough to keep playing until your money is gone. And that is exactly what happened. The money that I overdrafted was all gone in couple of hours. The grocery store clerks were giving me confused stares and started wondering if they were actually working at a casino.

As I was playing this mediocre-looking girl I liked in high school, now a school teacher, passed by me and started hounding me for feeding my bills into the machine. She’s married to some guy I don’t know, but the way she was talking to me you’d think she was my own wife!

“I’m happy to be single, baby.,” I told her. “Now go away, I’m playing.”

“I just saw you load a 20 dollar bill into the machine,” she reported. “And that was after you walked to customer service to cash in on a stack of tickets you obviously just bought. I know how these games work. How much are you down?”

“Don’t worry about it.,” I said, trying not to give her too much information. But being the chatty one that I am I accidentally squealed on myself, “It’s just overdraft money. Not that much.”

“I saw you withdraw money from the ATM here. Is X Bank your bank? I heard they have extended overdraft fees as well as overdraft fees. Are you crazy?”

Then I got that feeling in the pit of my stomach. I mean, I know I’m schizophrenic. But what was this chicken thinking calling me crazy just for having a good time at the lottery kiosk? “Uh?,” I didn’t know what to say.

She then went into a campaign to get me to stop playing. “Overdrafting shouldn’t even be an option. I don’t know why they would let you. You’re so stupid.”

“Stupid?!” I can usually spot stupidity a mile away so when someone calls me this for some innocent fun I usually don’t take it well. “Why they would let me?” I mean, I’m no child here. I knew exactly what I was getting myself into. I used to be the guy on the other end of the telephone line when you called your credit card’s customer service demanding a credit for a late fee. “Shouldn’t even be an option?!” This hen was trying to tell me what my options were!

Well, for the past month, she’s been calling me everyday leaving messages on my voice mail about how I need credit counseling and how I need to overcome the addition and how I’m stupid for not marrying her. Long story short: I’m in a bad situation. I’ve caught a case of fatal attraction. Of all people, it has to be a rough-to-plain looking girl who wouldn’t even go on a date with me in high school because she was Mormon. And now she’s the most frugal person in the world who thinks her occupation as a school teacher makes her an authority on financial matters. Not to mention she’s married.

As I was reading this condensed version of the I Ching that I was able to get my hands on, I wondered how I could possibly flip this situation to be favorable for me.

The first thought that went into my mind was that I should be humble and accept her financial advice so as to simply avoid overdraft fees. A bad situation is only as bad as your reaction to it. But then I kept reading the commentary by the wise man wu wei.

“The event may have been to your complete advantage from the first moment.”

— wu wei

“Why not respond as though the event occurred for your benefit? You will then immediately experience good feelings about the event, and by acting in accord with your feelings, you will help to bring about that end.”

— ibid

So I called her back and told her, “Hey baby.” (She hates being called baby.). “I’ve been thinking about what you said.”

“Oh?” She sounded interested, almost excited.

“I haven’t really been listening to the core message in your voice mails.” Now I really had her attention. “I’m still upset about what you said the day you ran into me at the grocery store. You see, you’re married to another man, not me. And I don’t feel you have a place telling me what my financial options are. But this situation happened to empower me.” She must’ve thought at this point that I was going to embrace the same Mormon and frugal values she was raised with. “I’m going to tell you what your options are.”

“Are you saying you’re still in love with me?”

“I’m going to call you every month, on the 15th or so, to tell you how I’m doing with my finances.”

“You know that’s my money.,” she said revealing her gold-digging nature. “You told a bunch of girls you’ve never even dated that you would give them all your money if they married you. And you fell in love with me first.” I almost fell sorry for the lass with no ass.

“I’m going to overdraft on my X Bank account every month until you stop calling me and leaving your unwanted voice mails.”

“What?! No. Please. You need to reconsider what you’re doing.” She was ready to switch into school teacher mode right then and there.

“I’ve already penciled in an overdraft on my spreadsheet for next month.”

“And what the hell makes you think I care how you spend your money? Are you stupid? What if we were married? Would you be spending all our money on lottery tickets?!”

“You know if I overdraft on the 15th of the month I’ll get charged and overdraft fee as well as an extended overdraft fee?

“You think I’m going to feel sorry for you for being so stupid? You’re going to pay for this.” And we both hung up.

Not 5 minutes later she calls back. Of course I didn’t answer. But she left a voicemail. “I know how bad you want those Phoenix Mercury tickets. I did the math and with the money you save from overdrafting every month you can actually make payments on those tickets!” She sounded like the Talking Stick Resort Arena sales associate himself.

The next day? “I heard from your mom that you can’t afford those eyeglasses for your stigmatism next month like you planned. Imagine if you didn’t overdraft this month. You’d be able to afford them! Everyday I get similar phone calls. So while I’m feeling better, she thinks I’m going to stop what I’m doing so that she can feel better. I had to get through to her. So I called her late one night when I knew she was asleep so I could leave a message without her answering.

I told her, “You know all that money I’m going to be overdrafting every month? It’s chump change. Nothing at all. Worth every penny.” I could feel her spinning in her bed with that same feeling at the pit of her stomach she had forced me to endure that day she ran into me at the grocery store. “You see, I know your husband would appreciate a woman who wasn’t nagging him about how to spend his money. The fact that you’re trying to tell me how to spend my money when we’re not even a couple means you’re shallow, clingy, and just plain annoying. This money, this chump change I’ve paying every month in overdraft fees, consider it payment on teaching you a lesson. I know how you must feel. Why should you have to feel that way? Because you’re a bitch.”

That is how you adapt to a situation for your benefit.

“Anyone who understands [the] concept [of adaption] and acts accordingly will mount through the skies of success as though on the wings of six dragons.”

— wu wei